Let's be honest

My life is pretty damn good. I'm healthy, I've got a wonderful guy who loves me, I get paid enough to live modestly, and I'm reasonably intelligent (even though grad school sometimes makes me feel like an idiot). But I'm also pretty lonely, which tends to overshadow all the other wonderful things that I have going for me.

Most of my family pretty much ignores me since this issue with the "who is going to walk you down the aisle" and being pissed that I refused to cut my dad entirely out of the picture to feed my mom's need for revenge that persists even after 22 years. But even before that stupid fiasco I never really felt like a part of the family I lived with; I was the kid left over from my mom's failed marriage, and I was treated like it was somehow my fault even though they'd been separated since I was an infant. So basically I lived with a family that was not really mine, a foreign exchange student of sorts. Spending time with Keegan's family last weekend just sort of reminded me of that fact; I will never really be a part of their family even after we're married, but Keegan will always be a part of their family. I'm a little concerned that he will prefer his first family to our little two person family. But even if it's not preferred, he's too nice to say "Sorry Mom and Dad, but I'm not living at your house for a week to watch my siblings while you two go on individual business trips/vacations" and that will always be a little barrier between me and him, that he puts the needs of his siblings and parents before the needs of our relationship. Not that I don't want him to be involved with his family and be close to them, that's not true at all, but I don't want to continuously take the backseat as he lives like he did before he had a wife and and kids.

As far as friends go I've also been pretty lucky; I've had my best friend since I was 6 years old. But I've reached the point where I sort of feel like she's my only friend (other than Keegan of course). I am still close with Sara, but not like we used to be in high school and even when I was in undergrad; I know that happens when there is distance between folks, but I just miss the way I used to feel completely supported and surrounded by friends who loved me and cared about me. And my feelings now are so completely opposite, it's sad and painful. I like the people I'm in grad school with, but I'm not a very self-confident person, so I generally get the feeling they think of me as the stupid one that shouldn't be here and that we only talk because we're in the same classes. After next spring, the people I spend time with here will most likely be drastically reduced when we're no longer in classes together.

So that's a pretty depressing post, although it accurately sums up most of what I feel right now but haven't had time to think about.

I am still alive

I don't really have anything new to post in the blog, but I feel like I should write something.

My registration was confirmed for the conference in Chicago in June/July, so that's exciting. Now I can book a flight and the hotel. I want to take a Delta flight to earn more miles, but they have no direct flights to O'hare; maybe I'll stop in Detriot or Minneapolis or something so I can get another state off my list of those I need to visit. I know airport visits don't really count for much though. Since the conference is taking place in at the Westin Chicago River North hotel, that's where they've reserved rooms for the folks attending. They also have a neat day trip to visit some Frank Lloyd Wright houses in the area, so I might do that also. That'll be on my own money, but I don't mind. It's not like I go to Chicago all the time.

I saw the bridesmaid dresses this past weekend, and they look really good :-) Now we just need to get them tailored for everyone.

Caitlin defended her undergrad thesis today, so I hope that went alright. I'm sure it did!

The past few days and all days in the foreseeable future will be dedicated to reading papers- papers about my review paper, papers about targeted cancer delivery for a debate, and papers about drug delivery to burn victims for a drug delivery design project (with accompaning 20 page report). Too bad those last two assignments weren't assigned until last week, and are due on 4/6 and 4/13 respectively. Ahh! It'll be okay though, at least my physiology class is over (and passed with flying colors!) so it's not occupying any of my time.

Next weekend Keegan and I are going to Hilton Head with his family for Easter. It's Wake County's spring break the week before Easter, so they're going there for a family vacation, and we're going to meet them on Thursday night; I think our plan is to leave when Keegan gets home from work. We're staying at the Crowne Plaza hotel, which looks nice to me; I've never been to Hilton Head, so I'm pretty excited!

I found out today that my poppop is having knee replacement surgery on Tuesday, and coincidentally, my cousin's wife is having her C-section that day too, so new knee and new baby all in one day! I hope both procedures go well; my poppop should be able to get around a lot better, which will hopefully also allow him to lose some weight to lessen other health problems. I know he really wants to take this train that goes from Chicago to Seattle stopping at the national parks along the northern border of the US. North Dakota, South Dakota, and Montana are the only states he's never been to, so I really want him to be able to take that trip. And I'd like to go with him! (with my grandmother and Keegan too, of course).

I'm also impatiently waiting to receive my rejection from the NSF fellowship people. Ughhhh.

Well I think that's everything now- back to the reading!