My life is pretty damn good. I'm healthy, I've got a wonderful guy who loves me, I get paid enough to live modestly, and I'm reasonably intelligent (even though grad school sometimes makes me feel like an idiot). But I'm also pretty lonely, which tends to overshadow all the other wonderful things that I have going for me.
Most of my family pretty much ignores me since this issue with the "who is going to walk you down the aisle" and being pissed that I refused to cut my dad entirely out of the picture to feed my mom's need for revenge that persists even after 22 years. But even before that stupid fiasco I never really felt like a part of the family I lived with; I was the kid left over from my mom's failed marriage, and I was treated like it was somehow my fault even though they'd been separated since I was an infant. So basically I lived with a family that was not really mine, a foreign exchange student of sorts. Spending time with Keegan's family last weekend just sort of reminded me of that fact; I will never really be a part of their family even after we're married, but Keegan will always be a part of their family. I'm a little concerned that he will prefer his first family to our little two person family. But even if it's not preferred, he's too nice to say "Sorry Mom and Dad, but I'm not living at your house for a week to watch my siblings while you two go on individual business trips/vacations" and that will always be a little barrier between me and him, that he puts the needs of his siblings and parents before the needs of our relationship. Not that I don't want him to be involved with his family and be close to them, that's not true at all, but I don't want to continuously take the backseat as he lives like he did before he had a wife and and kids.
As far as friends go I've also been pretty lucky; I've had my best friend since I was 6 years old. But I've reached the point where I sort of feel like she's my only friend (other than Keegan of course). I am still close with Sara, but not like we used to be in high school and even when I was in undergrad; I know that happens when there is distance between folks, but I just miss the way I used to feel completely supported and surrounded by friends who loved me and cared about me. And my feelings now are so completely opposite, it's sad and painful. I like the people I'm in grad school with, but I'm not a very self-confident person, so I generally get the feeling they think of me as the stupid one that shouldn't be here and that we only talk because we're in the same classes. After next spring, the people I spend time with here will most likely be drastically reduced when we're no longer in classes together.
So that's a pretty depressing post, although it accurately sums up most of what I feel right now but haven't had time to think about.
2 comments:
I was thinking about that semester-vs.-summer social change also. The group of us that was hanging out last semester has done a poor job of keeping it up this semester (I'm definitely to blame; Steve is awesome for still trying). But I think the summer will be better because we should all have more free time, and maybe research can be more confined to the regular working hours, so we can hang out more during the week and weekends still. Plus the weather will be nicer to be outside - I'm thinking pools, cookouts, trips to the lake... So I'm optimistic about the social shift from now to the summer! Also you and Keegan should have people over again, and I'm going to work on making my apartment more presentable. :)
i love you and i wish we got to see each other more! i'll be home for almost 3 weeks before i leave for switzerland and i really want to make more of an effort to see people while i'm at home =)
lylaRs
- Sara
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